Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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