hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
