I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
