i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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