No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
