Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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