Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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