i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
