After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
