Tell her she can't have a vagina
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
