just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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