Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
