They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
