Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
