Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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