you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
