I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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