I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
