in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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