NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
