Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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