I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
did i walk over a car last night?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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