i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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