I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
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She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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