hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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