My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
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The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
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I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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