plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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