not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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