remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
