I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
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