Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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