she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
