if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
