Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it glows. i had to have it.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Randomize
