i may or may not be watching the land before time
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
