um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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