he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
