Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
