Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
