I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Your dad touched me again.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
