He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
