So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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