we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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