I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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