I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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