my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
two words: eviction party
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
