A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
