An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
