come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
jump out the window naked night went bad
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