and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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