i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
not ubering you a puppy
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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