Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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