you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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