My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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