I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
