I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
