cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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