My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
