Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
