so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
