Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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